Cycle or not?

The Cycle One quandary. I've posted about his on Bb and I'm about to write up a potential cycle summary... this blog is not exactly a rough draft of that... it is, rather, a place for me to sort of distill my thoughts about the actions I've taking over the last months, why I was so hesitant to call them a cycle while I was taking them, and why now if look back at them and wonder if they are a cycle.

First - to get this out of the way (sort of release it from my conscious and subconscious thoughts)... I'm rather angry (or maybe exacerbated is a better word) with myself. I feel that I allowed myself to sort of cop-out on an opportunity at the beginning and I'm still not completely sure why I did it (although I have to suspect that some sort of fear of failure is part of it). The moment I saw the call for proposals for the virtual eLearning seminar, I knew that it would provide an excellent opportunity for my colleague... at the same time, given the climate at work at that time (and the climate in our department) - I as quite sure that he either would come up with some reason not to do it or would start out interested and then "drop the ball." So - while a made a very deliberate and conscious decision to present the opportunity in a different way from how I'd presented such things in the past - I was reluctant to call it a cycle in my research because I sort of assumed (without giving it any critical thought) that it wouldn't work and I didn't want my first cycle to fail. I told myself that I was waiting until I could set a baseline (w/ survey result) and then continuously found reasons why I could not yet created that survey (and thus the initial baseline) - I didn't realize it at the time... but looking back it seems rather obvious that all my excellent reasons (lit review, survey research, letters of consent, etc) were just clever ways of not allowing myself to view my current actions as part of the project.

So what do I do now? Why do I think in retrospect that my work with this colleague was a cycle? What is a cycle?

What was the issue or problem? - I was feeling a significant amount of stress and potential conflict when I worked with one of my colleagues. I could (and did not want to) simply choose to not work with him - yet when I worked with him on specific projects I found myself constantly frustrated and irritated by both his work style and the way he communicated his ideas. His style (0f work and communication in genera) is often phrenetic and easy to interpret as hyper and lacking focus. My inclination was to avoid working with him... or to try to "rein him in" and get him to adhere to a schedule based on my evaluation of the project needs. This was not working... so I found myself trying to learn how to do the things I needed on my own, so has not to have to ask him for assistance or collaboration. The frustrating part was that I genuinely like him - as a person and as an artist .. and I have a great deal of admiration and respect for his talents as an artist.

This was the situation before I started OMET or my ARP. As I began my initial research for my ARP I began to realize that to work with him, I would have to look at my own work and communication style because I can only make changes to my own practice - not to someone else's. I started by asking myself why I was so very frustrated by his style and realized that while I can also be somewhat hyper and multi-focused (focused on multiple tasks) = his knack for demanding attention on his schedule without regard for the fact that he might be interrupting someone else's focus (my focus) was a significant part of what bothered me. Then I took a close look and realized that it was my responsibility to maintain my focus, that if I didn't want to be pulled away on his whim than I had to protect my own focus and set some boundaries. I started restraining myself from immediately responding to emails and other requests for attention... waiting instead until an appropriate point in my own workflow to stop and pay attention to other things. At first, this caused increased tension because he became frustrated by the fact that he thought I was ignoring him. So - I tried to find ways to maintain my own focus while acknowledging his needs. I discovered that I didn't need to drop everything I was doing and pick up his task - rather I could simple acknowledge that I'd received the email or heard his call and that I would get to it in a bit.

Once I did that, I was able to start listening more carefully (and reading more carefully). On the surface, he was simply trying to share all the fantastic and interesting things he knew and/or was discovering about the various tools he uses and was tasked with teaching the rest of us how to use. By emphasizing his own excitement, he was hoping to ignite a similar excitement in his colleagues. As I looked past the surface, I began to realize that there was something else, something potentially more significant going on. With each of his communications (whether via email or face-to-face) my colleague would preface all information with some variation of one or both of two basic statements... 1- "I'm not a good writer and you guys have to realize that." 2 - "I'm not a teacher and I'm trying to teach teachers... so you all have to cut me some slack." I realized that I was taking these statements at face value and not looking further than that for what he was really saying. As I thought about this, it became clear to me that he was trying to mitigate the possibility that we would criticize either his writing technique or his teaching methods. Once I understood that, I began to listen more carefully... occasionally he would make his statements in ways that could be interpreted as asking for help and guidance (not always... but sometimes).

So - I began to look for opportunities. When I worked with him and/or when we worked with the various tools that he was teaching us how to use, I would "think out-loud" so that he would be privy to how I learn best. When he would try to take over ("Drive" has he calls it) - I would ask him not to and explain that I learn best when I do the work myself with my instructor providing guidance but not just doing it for me (as an "example") and then telling me what was done and how it was done. We began to talk about the different ways that people learn. This was important because it helped him reflect on how he learns and also on the fact that he was trying to teach us all in the same way because he was tasked with teaching us all the same material. I wasn't actually sure that was happening until I heard him talking to someone else about how I and another colleague learned better if we could work directly with the tool, while another team-member preferred to be shown all the basic information and then given written steps to follow.

None of this is what I consider part of a cycle, it is just an example of how I was becoming more aware and what I was doing with that awareness (to affect my own practice).

Once I began practicing a more active type of listening and a more mindful way of paying attention to more than just what was being said - I began to hear and see some signals that my colleague wanted to learn from us as well as teach us. He wanted to learn to be a better writer and a better teacher. So - when I saw the call for proposals, I sent him an email w/ the link and followed it up w/ an instant message (a form of communication he is quite partial to) indicating that I honestly felt he had a great deal to offer and that this would be an excellent opportunity for several reasons. He was interested in the idea of presenting a session at this online symposium but he seemed somewhat reluctant as he did not feel that he could complete the initial task of writing up the proposal. The way he expressed his reluctance was to belittle his own writing by saying something like "I'm not a writer...etc."

In the past I might have let this drop... assuming that as an adult, if actually wanted my help writing the proposal, he would ask (he had asked me to review other written work). This time I didn't do that... instead... I evaluated what was required for the proposal (so that I would know what I was talking about) and then I sat down with him over some morning coffee. For the most part, I listened. I asked him, if he were to make such a presentation, what would he want the attendees to walk away with (in terms of knowledge and/or ability). He had several good ideas. All quite valid and far more eloquent than he gives himself credit for. So - I began to write down what he said (as verbatim as possible). Than I explained what the proposal required and showed him how what he had just described met the requirements of the proposal and also where we would need to supply additional information. I realized as I wrote down his additions, that he is very good with words and knows how to express himself but becomes unsure of that ability when he is required to write it down. When our conversation was done, I showed him what we had and then we tweaked it together. I continued to encourage him throughout the process. This was another important lesson. The encouragement was crucial - he needed and it was something that he was missing in general in our work environment. More specifically - he needed it in terms of his ideas (his "writing") and his ability to teach those ideas to others. He receives a great deal of affirmation of his creative talent and technical skills, but because he consistently tells everyone what a poor writer he is and equally consistently tells everyone that he is not a teacher - he receives little or no encouragement (much less affirmation) in those areas. As we worked on the proposal, I saw his excitement and his confidence (in that he truly did have something of value to offer to a world bigger than just our team) grow.

The proposal was good - I "wordsmithed" it - but they were his ideas and I made sure that our manager and director recognized that. The organization that was sponsoring the online symposium showed interested in the proposal and conducted an extensive telephone interview with my colleague. I was able to witness his conduct during this interview and it was exemplary. The proposal opened the door for the interview, but it was because of the interview that he was asked to present ... not because of the proposal. He presented himself as the knowledgeable, talented, and articulate professional that I knew he was.

Now - I continue to provide assistance (guidance and facilitation) as needed. I've helped him to narrow the outline for his topic so that it should fit into the 75 minute slot. We will work on the power-point presentation slides and the "script" for his live demos together as well. He as begun to write up his initial ideas himself (much in the way I taught him- just writing down his thoughts and worrying about all the grammar and such later). I've seen this confidence carried over into other contexts at work (both in the way he works within the team and also in the way he interacts with other teams and departments). As I continue to reflect on our work together, I also see myself changing my own methods. I find that I've come to better understand the importance of making an effort to connect with my colleagues on more than must a professional level. I've made a more concerted effort to find areas of interest that we share. I've consciously tried to listen in a more active way, whether we are talking about projects at work or interests outside of work.

I regret now that I did not conduct a quick survey at the outset... way back in September or November... so that I would have a true baseline the I could compare to later surveys.

I still wonder if this is a cycle... perhaps - due to my own failings... it is more of a pre-cycle. Either way - it should be written up... it has had a profound effect on my own methods of working and has led to several very important self-realizations (as indicated by previous blog entries).